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Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus

Posted by Sudeep Pandey on April 13, 2009

Most of the IT fraternity has already read following in some point or the other… This is for those non-IT people who have better things to do than forwarding jokes: But this is my all-time-favorite story:

Here’s a prime example of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus” offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

——————————————-

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. ” A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F–KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

(Gary)

Bitch

(Rebecca)

F__K YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea – whore.

(TEACHER)

*A+ – I really liked this one.*

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Relationships described…

Posted by Sudeep Pandey on March 6, 2009

Its been long since I visited this place of mine… and now that I am back, its not something original. I got this forwarded mail and I just read the whole thing nodding and smiling. I would like to give due credit to whoever wrote this but alas!! as all fwded mails, I dont know its origin. Nevertheless, a good write-up and a wonderful food of thought!! Read on…..

Importance of having the right person in your life!

1.Do you wake up every morning and wish you had more time to sleep?
2.Do you eat your breakfast and complain about how bad it is ?
3.Do you go to the office, find a quiet place to sleep or watch a movie/soap ( a movie that u have seen a hundred times)?
4.Do you go for long walks with your friend at 10 AM in the morning?
5.Do you think you boss is a nut case and deserves to sent to hell?
6.Do you think that they pay you less even though you have not worked your ass off in ages?
7.Do you think that this world is a boring place and everything around you sucks ?
8.Do you fight with ur spouse for no reason and blame her/him for all your faults?
9.Have you lost the drive to do anything new in life?
10. Do you find sex a boring and tiresome chore?

If you have answered yes for more than 5 of the above questions, you are in serious trouble!. You are damaging your mental and physical health every minute and will probably live a discontent life. Scared? you should be…you have every goddamn reason to feel scared.

I’ve always believed that there are two things in life, one of which, you have to get right! Else you are in deep trouble. One is finding the right guy/girl to spend the rest of your life with and the other is finding a job that you love. Here is why!

Let’s say you get the ‘right girl’, which is harder than finding a needle in haystack, you are bound to be happy for most of the time of your life despite its ups and downs. She will be patient with your failures, take care of you when you are sick, love you for what you are ..blah blah and all that crap about true love which I hate to write about but does exist between a few people in this planet.

Let’s say you find the job you love, which is the hardest thing in the world unless you know who you are. You will not regret spending time at work. You will find the word ‘recreation’ meaningless. Your work will keep you happy enough to forget the world around you. You will love yourself and in turn find it easy to love everyone around you despite their faults.

Lets dig relationships a little deeper first and see why we often tend to make a mistake.

Relationship:

Most of us end up with the wrong person no matter what we try to do or how much we analyse before taking the plunge. You always hear that relationships are delicate, they are complicated and that you need to work on them. You have to be crazy to believe all that. Tell me this, did you ever have to even try to work on your relationship with your parents, with your best friends? Did you ever contemplate of breaking up with them? These are the relationships that stay solid for life and the ones that will keep you happy forever. if you find someone who makes you feel like he/she is your family, you probably have hit the right note. However, this does not happen for most of us. Here is why,

Guy picking the wrong girl:

All of us are afflicted by various syndromes. Let me talk about the most common ones.

The pretty face syndrome:

You always had a crush on an actress who played the savitri in Indian cinema. You cannot resist her fresh morning looks, her pretty smile, her classic walking style not to mention the sweetness with which she speaks to others, the way she blushes and the way she enjoys the rain and gets drenched Ignorant of the terms sinus and pneumonia.

Guys like you will fall for every single girl that fits this mould. You will not want this girl to be your girlfriend but you will want her to be your wife!. Remember Gunther of Friends, you are that one…You will fall in love hundred times with hundred people and claim every single shitty experience to be true love. You will eventually find a girl and fall in what you will call ‘true love’. You will be so hen pecked that you will start forgetting that she is just another person. You will worship her unworthiness, profess your love every single minute, tell her that you will keep her happy till the end and do things that you have never done for your mom and dad.

All this till the fake love wanes off….then starts the real hell for both of you J

You will feel insecure every time she dresses up hot and everytime wannabe dudes hang around her and flirt with her. You will try your best to hide your jealousy but will not be able to contain and do more harm to yourself… I have seen some psychoes cut themselves up and bleed bcos his girlfriend happens to have a good looking friend whom she enjoyed talking to.

Phew, it tires me to even think of junta like you. Grow up!

The HOT syndrome:

This is the more dangerous one.

You are between 20 and 30, you have cash to burn. You have a fancy car whose speedometer has never touched 100.

You buy designer stuff and really tight fitting clothes that accentuate your six folds ( analogous to the six pack!).

you fancy every single hot babe in the planet cos u think u have it all! You hang out in the discs with your pretty girls whom you’ve never had the courage to ask out. You shell out thousands of bucks at ease cos it makes u look cool. In reality, you are struggling to pay your EMI for the umpteen things u bought out of insecurity and desperation.

You go to the gym religiously, sit on the bench press/smith and talk on the phone with the long list of girlfriends you claim to have.

You have a wallpaper of the latest bolly/holly babe and even consider it cool J

You have a fake attitude and have forgotten that things like courtesy and humility do exist. In reality, you have even kissed a girl even though you will be thirty in a few days. This can be also be termed as Ihaventgotlaidyet syndrome.

You ask a girl out of your league for a romantic dinner date and when she refuses , you bite her in the back and call her a bitch. You even claim to your wannabe group of friends that you totally nailed this one.

Don’t worry, you are not alone. The young IT brigade of india has loads of heartthrobs like you J. You will turn out to be the one who has an attitude problem everywhere with everyone. You will not have the heart to respect others for what they are. You will lose judgement because of your insecurity and jealousy. When you reach your thirties, you will have your mid life crisis and make your life totally miserable.

The AWESOME dude:

Before I move to the girls, I have to tell you that there are a great bunch of guys out there. Most of them are never single after 25. They are taken a lot early in their life.

A guy of this type works hard at everything. He goes to the gym to stay fit and not flaunt his biceps. You will find him work like crazy when he is working, party like hell when he is with his best buddies. He drinks cos it is fun to get drunk with his buddies and fool around and not to fill the emptiness in his life. He has his own ideals and will stick to them no matter what. He will not cheat anyone. He has a passion for something and feels totally incomplete when he cannot pursue it.

The problem with this one is that he is not the smooth talker. He has a very select group of friends and will consider them family. He does not care a damn about what it takes to please a girl. He is too occupied with stuff he cares about like F1, cricket, music . However, once in a relationship, he will adapt and keep you happy. Do not expect him to be your servant and be at your call. He takes time to grow up and stop being a little self centric. Forcing things on him will turn him really violent and crazy J

If you have a boyfriend/hubby of this type, give him the freedom and he will come back to you. Don’t lose him, you will never be able to fill the void he leaves

Girls :

I know that every single girl who reads this will call me a male chauvinist pig J

Babes, this piece is dedicated to the mystery that you are… there are so many types of you, its hard to narrow down to a smaller set. God must have got it terribly wrong when he experimented with you. try identifying yourself with the below,

I am so cute syndrome:

You have an pretty face and that is where it ends…you are pampered by your parents and the above list of useless dudes who hang around with you for no reason. You have a crush on every single good looking guy you meet in the planet but will not show it out. You like pink! Anything that is pink! You will probably wear a pink sindoor if that was allowed. What the hell is all that about? You dream of a guy who is well read, a MBA grad probably, has a great big house, has a mom who will adore u and all that thing abt the perfect life. But you totally fail to realize that its not gonna happen in reality and when you marry the guy who you settle for, you make his life miserable. The guy you marry is never your first choice and he undergoes hell every single minute of his life from the moment he met you. you will turn out to be the nagging wife that men are scared of!

I am the hot one syndrome :

You are hot… atleast u think so… and you are totally crazy! you wear fancy designer stuff that does not fit you and does not make you feel good. You do it bcos the guys look at you..in reality, they are wondering where the hell this one landed from. You will be fat but that does not stop you from wearing a levis lycra that hugs you tight like second skin. You will wear make up even when you sleep! You claim to have the best taste of everything and can talk about designer brands you never. You have never worked hard in your life and have always complained about every single thing in your life. You hook up with a desperate guy who has no other intention that to ‘you know what’ and use his desperation to satisfy every single materialistic need of yours. While doing so, you make sure you give him regular doses of your fake love to secure the leash around his neck. When it comes to marriage, you will dump him and look out for a better prospect..you will probably look for someone who looks smart, earns hell a lot of money and is totally devoted to you from day one. You will expect him to keep smiling even though you are rude to him all the time. Even if you manage to get a guy of this sort, you will not be content..you will look out for your next catch. You are a maniac despite your hotness.

Barney puts it so right..

The problem is certain women’s increase in physical attractiveness has been disproportional to their increase in psychosis. Luckily for us, a chart exists where we can see just how out of balance the ratio between your hotness and craziness has become – knowledge that can prove to be invaluable over the course of your daily life. The girl needs to be on the right side of the diagonal. If you cannot figure out which side it is , you are probably crazy already.

You might probably end up as one of those cougars who can be manipulated easily by anyone who has the bling and is ready for a fling!

These are two major useless type of women I have seen. There are many other specimens whom I don’t even want to right about. Its so hard to think abt them and not bleed my brains out!

The AWESOME babe:

But there is a select group of girls, who are so down to earth despite their hotness. A girl of this kind does not realize that she is irresistible. her smile will assure you that all is well with the world. She does worry about her looks, but is not obsessed with the mirror and lipstick. She reads quite a lot and probably knows more stuff than you do. She did not grow up like a princess and got everything the hard way. She knows what she wants and how to get there. She does not want to settle for a guy who seems to have it all but will fall in love with the one who loves her for what she is. She will ask for your help but will not demand you to be at her service all the time.

These are the ones that will love you unconditionally even if you don’t deserve it. if you have a girl of this type, dude, keep her happy..she deserves every single bit of it. Buy her flowers, take her out when she expects it the least, gift her a teddy, sing to her as long as it doesn’t kill her J …this one deserves to be swept off her feet every single day of her life. Life is not just good with her, its ‘awesome’

Now that you have learnt about the types of junta , here is my take on what you should do with your relationship

Guys,

If you are single,

I know its hard to be single..it is very hard when everyone around you seems to have a girlfriend or claims to be in love. The truth is that most of them are miserable. They have everything other than love for each other. Look closer, you will be able to see the cracks in their life. Most of them did the mistake you are about to make. They fell in ‘love’ because they did not want to end up single. Wait for your turn. Believe in destiny. Keep your mind fresh for the ultimate one. You will find her. Do not have any expectations and carry on with your life. Love will find you.

If you are in a relationship,

Phew, I know its complicated! Isn’t it? Every single day brings something you never expected. It can be good or bad. Generally its confusing

Most of the relationships are born out of insecurity and lack of self love. They are fragile and need to be taken care of. Ever heard of this crap about ‘managing a relationship’. It hurts me when I see talk shows on how to keep your husband happy and websites on what one needs to do to stay put in a relationship. You don’t ‘handle’ a relationship. You just let it be what it is. If you are having to change yourself or put extra effort to make the other one happy, you are losing it. You will never be happy.

The mistake we often do in a relationship is to expect way too much from the other person and try to change them. We hardly accept anyone for what they are. we get upset when the expectations are not met.

We often blame our partners for our failures and end up being rude to them for no reason.

Guys generally are more insecure than the girls and show it out in weird forms. You will often find guys being male chauvinistic and controlling for no reason. A guy who is sure about himself will have all the love to give and will generally not pick a wrong partner unless he was duped by a hot one ( guys have a great weakness for hot babes). One thing about guys is that when they fall in love, they will do anything to keep the girl happy and will not worry about whether she is good looking/hot/rich/well read. We just don’t have a set of criteria that a girl needs to satisfy. We are just in search of the ultimate ‘one’

Girls generally don’t fall for looks much. But they do fall for convenience. It is so convenient to get married to a guy who has it all. Its not surprising that most matrimonial sites are filled with women looking for a well settled, well educated NRI. Take a look at the list of criterion put up by guys, you will hardly find anything materialistic (you might find some weird stuff like homely looks and all that). When a girl does not get the guy she wants and settles for a lesser one, hell breaks loose. She will not stop complaining. She will have problems if he spends too much or too less time with her. She will not like him if he comes home early and will whine like a dog when he comes home late after a hard day’s work. She will always tend to compare him someone more successful and rue openly the fact that she ended up with a lesser one.

My only advise to junta in relationships is to accept what the other person is and love them for what they are. its hard..very hard but that is the right thing to do. If not, there is nothing wrong to break up with the person. Its better to be happily single than to be miserable. Also, fall in love with yourself…you will stop expecting too much from the other person and will be content even if the other person is not the right one. Life is too small to live in misery. When you make a decision abt anything, do not think in short term. Think in long term. Think with your heart and not your mind. When you grow old and look back, you should not be looking at a long list of regrets and failures but a list of fond/loving memories. As they say, when you grow old, it is the memories that count. Not the hot one u dated, the swanky house you lived in or what the world around thinks about you

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Have we come down to this?

Posted by Sudeep Pandey on December 13, 2008

I have never been in such a state of dilemma before… Ever since I have studied geography as a subject (perhaps it was standard II or III), I have always been taught, rather shown, following as the map of India:
 

Map of India

Map of India

The above picture has actually been taken from http://india.gov.in/maps/indiaindex.php which, I believe, is maintained by some Indian government authorities. The only change I made to it is the straight line you can see on the top of Indian map… I’ve tried to show you guys the location of Muzaffarabad. That’s the city from where Pakistan authorities have detained a guy called Rehman Lakhvi, who has supposedly masterminded the Mumbai attacks where more than 150 people died and it’s the same place where terrorists who walked into Mumbai hotels have been trained. I have seen video footage on TV a number of times about terrorist camps running there (I am pretty sure my esteemed government must also have seen it as well). My intelligent intelligence agencies have been saying it for so long. They have shown the proof of it to US as well (like a first grader goes to his teacher saying “teacher, teacher… he slapped me… please punish him”).

So we come right to the point. I am confused… you know, asking Pakistan government to capture and crack down those terror camps in muzaffarabad is something like there is a fire at a corner in my home (indeed if I claim that part does belong to my home), and I have enough fire extinguishers with me, but I put all my weight behind a demand to my neighbour that he should extinguish it!! Why the situation is similar? The only reason, my friend, is above map. It claims muzaffarabad is a part of India, and if, you know that there are terror camps, where people get training to come to other parts of India and kill, You should have a moral responsibility to clean up the mess. You just have to pass an order to send your fighters there, and they are well equipped to take care of it. I have seen enough of their strengths during Kargil and the rest they’ve shown in Mumbai! But it’s the order that they require from you. You didn’t do it in 1971, you didn’t do it in 2003 and now again the question is facing you…

But if you don’t have the guts to pass that order: you spineless people, you filthy people, please stop showing that region as a part of your country. You don’t understand what character you’re showing by an act like this. You are showing you are a coward! You don’t have the balls to take the heat and act! And you are willingly ready to let people die because of cowardice of yours! You know what? When people die, they are dead! They can’t come back even after you do some diplomatic voo-doo! And after all this, you still (shamelessly) claim that it is part of India?

We, the descendants of Rama, Krishna, Arjuna, Guru Gobind Singh, Rana Pratap and Shivaji who lived for their people and who died for their people; have we come down to this? That’s the question you should think about…

Posted in current affairs, friends | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »